i asked for help

Journaled as a child, or rather back then, it was a diary. Never can say consistency has been key to a release for me. Then again, how much consistency has my life been?

My life.

The silent words were too loud.

I copied words when given tasks.

Never could I allow for my own fears to escape.

In those days to plagiarize was to hide behind words. Words I had not yet learned.

Volumes I had already consumedly felt.

Later years in school, college, future; my mother, a middle school English teacher who after 35 years, retired last year.

She, yes Mrs. X, was the one to fear.

Her legend lives on and shakes the schoolgrounds.

That marm was my mom.

I was never fully sure, confident, worthy of my words.

Red pen, my life was spent drowning in the rough draft. Provided by her.

Expertise.

Years clustered into graded essays, I could never earn on my own.

Until I did.

Until I learned more than she one day.

My interpretation.

My perspective.

My words.

My thoughts.

My future.

Words.

Words I have used as escapes, passions, distractions, validations, and now I look to it for my legacy.

in 90 days

-175-

I have a vivacious & lively personality with a subtle whispering of the stark professionalism mandated from working with the courts and the ability to switch between the two personas as need be.

Cherished experiences, documented by minimal photos, as we were just getting the tech to print ourselves!

Breathtaking, the stories that revels moments of our life, told through the 28 Quart Underbed Storage Box. Not only a lifetime of memories, a lifetime. Plastic nurdles melted down to conform into a stage where these memories can again showcase of experiences. This container boasts of “making it”.

My passions have always been geared towards helping others enhance their lives by providing non-judgmental support and linking them to resources they may be in need of.

Participating in these experiences has enhanced my life over the years and has instilled that value in my children

in 90 days

-176-

My refuge

Lay

Within

The

Quills

in 90 days

-177-

10.26.20

New diagnosis code discovered today

Not yet in the DSM

I fear it has struck me

For it gnaws and chomps

at me from within

The prognosis is good

I have been sick with this before

Have a faith disorder,

Recurrent.

…..

REMISSION

in 90 days

-178-

10.28.20

The goal for today

As I only make one at a time

Is to live as a lulu

and not so much

of a curmudgeon.

in 90 days

-179-

Having set up my own

Quaesitum

Which shall

Reflect

In my

Mien

in 90 days

-180-

Love is in the House

And You are living for me

In that House

Learn by reading

Understand with love

Tapping into senses

I can clearly see

How You have been

Working with me

I feel the nudge

And I realize

You have heard my cries

I have so many stories

I beg to touch lives.

I taste the sweet

Victory.

in 90 days

-182-

What if

The mind

Owned

The heart

What would be different then?

in 90 days

-184-

Shut down

Being shut down

By you

Makes me apprehensive

Little forks

Shut down

in 90 days

-185-

How do you make

A perfect match

Out of

Apples

and

kale

in 90 days

-186-

I need and want

to miss our affection.

Talking

Driving

Uniting

in 90 days

-187-

It appears as though

Something has bled through

There’s a mark of crimson

Stained on my shirt

In the middle

Of my back

Probably from

All the stabs and jabs I have had.

Coming out

Finally

in 90 days

-189-

9.22.20

“Clinically cannot keep him any longer”

Please God, why?

Discharged.

in 90 days

-190-

Thank you; Mr. Lincoln, your quote appearance is not coincidental.

Am I not eliminating my enemies when I make friends of them?”

Clarity

Listen.

in 90 days

-191-

Affect

Receptive

Approachable

Positivism in tone

More objection and less direction

Or the other way around?

Exercise more patience

Interaction

Listened to and listening

As a friend.

in 90 days

-192-

Disenroll

Drop

Would you still love me

If I were down

Would you

Lift me

in 90 days

-193-

Distraction has a purpose.

Thank you, Lord for the gift

Of ADHD

in 90 days

-194-

9.18.20

Mindfulness

Is about paying attention

On purpose

Without judgement

To the unfolding of your

Life

Moment

Clarity.

in 90 days

-195-

Where does the effort level lie

Shall we go to percentages

Shall we peek into the crevices

You decide

Effort level

Thoughtful

Convenient

Ease

Bare minimum

Bet I can guess

in 90 days

-196-

Driving allows be to focus although I am struggling to. Driving I observe everything around me

My adhd gets its turn

And now has ceased yelling at me

Cars and buildings play next to me

Not with me

What a stage Piaget.

in 90 days

-197-

Engagement keeps growth.

Growth keeps coming back

Advertising

The very nature

The very meaning

Of this culture we identify

Is really just manipulation

in 90 days

-198-

Use it as a tool for which it was designed.

Lest it turn you into a too.

in 90 days

-199-

October.

Blue tights

Orange

Green

Skates

Shoes

Long sleeve for him

Jeans

Want more

For every task extra

I’ll buy you a pumpkin

in 90 days

-200-

Just be a good housemate eh?

in 90 days

-201-

Your involvement hurt.

Position understood.

Heard through my inner hell.

Protection for her is crucial

You are who I would turn to

When I trusted no other

When I was too embarrassed

It was not newsworthy

Always deeply appreciated

I felt you understood

Since you were still somewhat separated from

Placing judgement

Defense?

in 90 days

-202-

Play the game to win.

Don’t play to not lose.

in 90 days

-203-

You gave it to her

When it was not the original plan

That was between your mother and I.

It was not for school.

Not for clothes.

Not to go shopping

or gas for the road.

Giving it to her she learned not to earn it.

She learned not to find it.

She would have committed to it

more.

Disappointed in you.

Abuelita would be too.

in 90 days

-204-

9.20.20

Clarity

But no fucking brochure

in 90 days

-205-

9.19.20

EatingRecoveryCenter

Walking in sobbing

All I could do was just to come in…

The words were said

I was handed a card

She would have her email

Its tomorrow

I made a mistake

With me.

in 90 days

-206-

When we see a friend

From a distance we wave to them

We stretch out our arms

For a great big air hug

Gotta keep a safe distance

To keep those germs away

No one wants to be sick

Its so much more fun to play

From a distance

And if I see someone coming towards me

Or gets too close for comfort

I quickly say ‘Get Back!’

Other things to remember

About these pesky germs

Keep my hands to myself

Don’t touch anything

Especially not my face

And wash my hands

Clean

I love you from a distance

I love you from a far

This is hard sometimes

But it won’t keep us apart.

in 90 days

-207-

Clarity

Mission

Help children, adolescents, families

Overcome

Disabling effects

Improve ability to function

Home

School

Community

…

I beg to differ.

Mission unaccomplished

More like failed

-his mom

in 90 days

-208-

10.9.20

A piece pf paper was brought in in case I wanted to do some mind mapping.

No, that’s your job.

Forgot to reread the email

Before his appointment

Customer service

Fail

in 90 days

-209-

Escape route to the office

Escape route to the room

If I escape,

Es is alone

Now you’re having lunch with your computer?

in 90 days

-210-

Cycle

Chain is broken

Emergent mode

Simmer to boile

Doint have the desire to rely on him

Because of the kids, it is important

Directness angers you, does it dear?

And now the two of your can be friends

Buddy up. Have a meal.

I do not posees the will to sit and join tjem

If I do

I lose their focus

And

in 90 days

-211-

10.13.20

My time has not been valued today.

What, youre mad because I called you out?

You only made food for yourself

No consideration

in 90 days

-212-

Is there anyone left?

Innovative?

Multi-taskers?

You suck Patrick at Office Depot

in 90 days

-213-

When a vow is made

Or an oath one did take

To obligated oneself by a pledge

Must not break your word

But do everything you said

For it is better to

Never vow

Than to make it

Not fulfill it

Let your yes be yes

And your no be no

in 90 days

-214-

10.14.20

When I am interrupted

Chances increase

What was I just doing?

My time is valuable.

in 90 days

-215-

Will you kindly turn

The monitor off

While speaking on facetime to me

I keep seeing

Your chin

“you can trace”

Stutter stutter

Yes I can

Intentionally trace a shadow

I truly tried not to

But

the light was on.

in 90 days

-218-

4.7.21

Proudest moment

Seen when no one else was watching

The time I saw in the distance

Teens and young adults at a family party, a girl was doused with a drink in humor.

My son.

My fifteen year old son.

Retrieved paper towels without so much of a request

And when my five year old thanked me for clearing her plate without prompted.

in 90 days

-219-

Explanation leads to empathy and lessens the need to personalize

in 90 days

-220-

He said, and I quote… “I thought we were past this.”

We would have to face it first.

Process verses content

Secrecy

Guided me

Humiliation

Embarrassment

Judgement

Employment

Respect

Left to fin

Again

What else is there

Hawaii?

Now is there

Anything else

It’s not about knowing what to do, its about doing it.

What are we going to do about it?

in 90 days

-221-

The one thing you would save

If you knew your family were safe

And size and wait matter not

…

I would save

My Promise Book

in 90 days

-222-

Argument

A connected series of statements intended to establish a proposition

Analyze

Identify purpose

Parts

Structure

in 90 days

-223-

5.8.21

Just checking the circuits.

Conduit.

Impulse driven by internal electricity

Connection

Static

Threw out the line

Lure is that of one familiar design

Texture

Shape

Substance

Replica

Knock-off

Did the bait fall off or did the fish eat and run

Bait decomposing

Particles like snowflakes falling ever so delicately,

to the bottom of the lake.

Freshwater fishing, or so I thought

Flakes

Separating into crevices and cracks

within the stones.

Stones that have been made

from years of pressure and water flow.

Flakes in their final resting place

Until the current flows

With a little ripple, particles flow

Take on new meaning

Form into something new

A useful purpose

Maybe as a foundation

Or that of food

Maybe develop into mosslike slime

for you to easily slide by.

Protective coating

Car wax

Cannot penetrate through

…unless a spot was missed. Was it even washed?

Soap. What is the

in 90 days

-224-

Sometimes you’ve got to sing your way into the truth.

in 90 days

-225-

Just drove 45 minutes in the wrong direction.

Then spent an hour backtracking…

’cept when I turned off the road.

Lost

I was listening to my mind

Not the directions

This is how I get my 10 minutes in.

Unsure if this is intentional

in 90 days

-226-

Incidentally, should a prescience be present, another idea written on a napkin somewhere

Want us to and we shall

Travel

Where

That’s up to you

Yelping through

Summer

Coincidentally both my name and the term.

in 90 days

-227-

I write and those that read will read. Those like I,

No time to read

Major points in bold

Or will be drawn to them

Navigate eyes to them

in 90 days

-228-

I picked my nose as a kid

Which is essentially comprised of dirt and germs

Hairs collect like a

in 90 days

-229-

I too Sandeen, look into the mirror

And it tells me I’m a

Freak

in 90 days

-231-

Practical solution for this problem

How do I calmly remove my janissary

Keep from reacting

When he says leave

Or tells her something inappropriate

When he is unfair to Ian

How do I confront his highness with truth

Without retaliation

I want every camera installed, charged and available

It will help us practice the skill of getting along

Some may progress from there

Accountability

in 90 days

-237-

10.16.20

Because of the “gray area”, I just want peace

in 90 days

-238-

Your commitment was to be a part of this

We will share time

To care for our children

And care for the home

We are in

in 90 days

-239-

Daily ritual my mouth. My filthy ass mouth. I loathe a filthy mouth for myself or even my child, Esmeralda. I love her. I cradled her in my womb, but in a second, I tell her to turn her head because I cannot stand bad breath. Other bad breaths in this world, that I have had the opportunity to cherish, the drunks at the bar. And now I can hear the Gleam gum commercial, coming up asking her audience if they indeed have a filthy mouth. Halitosis forever.

So she drains in there breath and their sickening smell of so the drunks and their breath that sickening smell of beer. It's rotten yeast. Someone deciding one day- I wonder if this rotten ship would taste clean and minty. Smoke- the possible horror in the bathroom- I brush my teeth after. Should I wake in the middle of the night I pee out of urgency otherwise after I release with my eyes still half closed wipe with our toilet paper commodity- I wonder how much the highest bid was when the Armageddon scurry and some individual thought let's make some money then posted on eBay. On the other end I think of the individual buying it, searching for it. What fear in desperation did this person have to spend an exuberant amount of money on toilet paper- something to wipe their ***** with period of course them to buy it- unless there's that off yet possible consideration to add it to a collection of some kind. Once I pull up my clothes, I reached for my toothbrush. Yes. When I go to spit I turn the water on, wash my hands, then proceed to use my internal God given tool- my hand to serve as a vessel carrying the water up to my mouth. I returned to bed. Went out for the day and upon returning to my home, I immediately head to the bathroom to continue my ritual. A clean mouth.

in 90 days

-240-

School Lunches. In private school, lunches were simple. Parents pay the bill and our tummies were filled. No intentional effort or thought. Oh I remember spending the night with the neighborhood, a year younger than I. I want a kiss to lunch. Bellotti on white lightning arrow. Thing on-that switch to four. I thought it a little like. It may tear down the road, nice team were dropped. I no longer a infinite others, making school trips and a commitment and IE. If the I knew not to ask, by 10 I too was a broken home child. Run time to time, that would slightly some cash, anger-need to pay attention. Still no consistency. At our lowest paid for us not to do. Wow my father on any family. At lunch time he had and a bathroom escorts not high. But the homefront was another story. I learned resilience is the key and holds that hour. A ketchup packet and some creamer to make some tasty tomato soup. I could pick some of those women are with my mom..

in 90 days

-241-

I dare not remind reiterate let be known or point out the calendar on the wall. That large squarish rectanglish stack of paper oushpinned to the wall above the fireplace. Under the cross. Written in large print. In various inks, fonts, sizes, colors the going’s ons, the daily day by day, quotidian the schedule. I register for as many workshops activities interactives escapes through Eventbrite in hopes the perfect storm provides the opportune situation for me to attend. Under today’s days the next registered event is tonight. In about 30 minutes. Someone dare me. Double Dog Dare.

in 90 days

-242-

A thoughtless trust

In tthe common and ordinary

Not the superemp

Mirific

Extemity to extremity

Vast to mixed

Methodist Hosljtal

Next to Saint Luke

Texas Neuroscience Institute

in 90 days

-243-

Our own ability to label our hues

in 90 days

-244-

How does bright taste

Complex or vague?

Earthy

Another flavor

To discover

Who decides this?

in 90 days

-245-

The more I trust

The less I trust

Contradictory

The quop of the feet

Clomp Clomp Clomp

Heard

With each curmudgeon

Surge

Clomp Clomp Clomp

Isolationships got the better of me

in 90 days

-246-

My colors sourced by

you

You

YOU

Muddied

Permeated

Developed

Created

Acknowledged

Defined

My own validity

Solidarity

in 90 days

-247-

New words for us

A thank you in Irish

This is now used

When needing extra thank yous

I made the intentional effort

Additional syllables I learned

To show my extra gratitude

Go raibh maith agaibh

*go-rev-ma-ha-gliv*

in 90 days

-248-

I shall read today

158

Then

171

Then

163

And

174

in 90 days

-249-

My name:

Zommer-Arabic

Sarig

Yaz-Turkish

Zomer-*Summa*-Dutch

in 90 days

-250-

Music doesn’t ask anything of me.

Look into

gather.town

getmibo.com

And

Millavander Hae

in 90 days

-250-

Music doesn’t ask anything of me.

Look into

gather.town

getmibo.com

And

Millavander Hae

in 90 days

-251-MY TREE

My tree

In my house

I know love

I am sure I do

Branches on both sides of me

How will they grow

I am but a little tree

Bleeding

From riots already dug up

Destroying me

Please come swing

Please come climb

No one comes

They only run and hide

I hear the whispers of my God

‘You are not weak’

For I am that Vine

Wrapped around your tree

What? Is that a raindrop I feel?

He nods through the clouds

And my leaves return to green

There is more to come

I see a little branch growing from me

From that little twig

Will grow a great many leaves

Through these,

A flower

Will beckon me

The Whisper reminds me

I am not finished yet

Persevere, you are sustaining

When you are done

You will have no regrets

I can see the Growth within me

I feel the nudge

I cry out

I am a part of so many stories

I have tasted sweet victory

When my tree was firm within its roots

You fool!

You failed to Water

What did you expect?

I see my leaves begin to fall

The wind blows the storm closer

Branches from every side

From hydrating and blossoming

Shuddering molting rotted

Died

And now a ground

Cracking below me

I have made it to hell.

in 90 days

-252-MY TREE

I am a tree

Twisted around another

Higher and higher it begins its dance

Merging itself with another branch

Where the branch meets

Lies, a rotted hole

Just above

Where one met another

Such a full branch

Filled with the greenest of leaves

Closer I look into this twisted tree

The rotted hole

How is it dismissed?

Oh you stingy branch

You take and you pick

Another branch lies panting

So desperate for a drink

To feed its other branches

Protruding from it

My branches sway

And

Move away

And

Break.

Life is being starved from me

I’m withering up

Roots being dug up

It hasn’t rained in a while

Dehydrated

My tree is lifeless

Hiding

Someone is chipping me

Stop with that axe!

My leaves will fall

My branches have dry rot

My roots

They’re gone

Where will my little tree grow?

It carries so many more leaves

More seasons to see

Whispering

More will fall

Please oh please

Will someone come swing?

Will you climb?

Will you just sit and be?

Near me?

With me?

No, those activities will not work

Your breaches will break

One

Kindling

What’s this?

Is that a Raindrop?

Another chance?

Oh please

Fall on me

Soak int me

Until I sweat

Saturate me

So I may again see

The blossom inside

You have given me

It’s raining it’s pouring

I feel a growth

What a joy

Oh my, what a beautiful branch

I must take care

I love You,, that’s True

Keep the Sun shining

I will love through You.

in 90 days

-253-MY TREE

I myself was once a rose

Full of life and beauty

I came from a seed

A seed so strong

I was once just leaves

One color

Blowing through the breeze

I began to mature

And grew to be

Beautiful

I lived that way

For many a day

Until a petal fell

I struggled to keep my beauty

But could not undo and resist the

Inevitable

Wither away wither away

As thought I were the petal of a dandelion

Soon would I fall from the sky

Down to the earth

Only to become

A littl bit of the next

I too was once like you,

Full of life and beauty

I too was once a rose.

in 90 days

-254-MY TREE

I waver through

The whys and have beens

The was’ the hows

And what I have seen

My story my story

Where did it go

The resilience that drove me

And plodded me through

The courage and peace

My life offered a story

Faith and meaning

I held my Glory

I see her still

As she once was

My sweet little girl with glasses

A crooked teeth

Then after three years of retaining

The most magnificent smile

Money well spent

I worked hard for it

You just will never know how

Hard

Dared

To try

Reviewing our story together

My story My story

Rehearsing every waft and every blow

My story my story

Retrojecting

Going back

Rewind

How?

My new life

The end of one

Into another

An era

Did I lose what I had

Because I made a new vow

This thought haunts me

Sliding down like a slip and slide

My story my story

Those younger years

I hadn’t a choice

I could do

Nothing

Else

And my anger

Became very very real

Our together giggle

Turned to snickers and snirtles

The fell into

Screams

And texts that couldn’t be taken back

I lay on the floor

Watching the water slide down the drain

And

Sob

Silently.

The fear in me

Drives my regrets

My story

Gone

Walking away

Why?

Was there another way?

The soles on my shoes

Are weary

Revealing the scuffs and scrapes

Buried deep within my soul.

Over there I look at her now

Recalling the tenderness

As her radiant skin beams

Causing a glow to reflect from her face

Glistening and highlighting

What her phone says

There’s an option

If things doing go well

A printer some paper

And a giant yard sale.

A Whisper breathes love for me

Telling me I have more time

Never settle for less

My entitlement says

I gave most of my best.

in 90 days

-255-

I am strong willed and kind hearted

I wonder how to move on while standing still

I hear too much advice and too little is sound

I see others boasting of having ‘made it’

I want unconditional love and true happiness

I am strong willed and kind hearted

I pretend to have it all figured out as I dance to the tune of facade

I feel, nothing anymore as it screams at me I failed

I touched lives of those who allowed me

I worry for our children

I cry through the struggles of others

I am strong willed and kind hearted

I understand its not always going to be a win

I say I will continue to try

I dream of each day being better than the last and not as good as the next

I trying helping when it’s not even realized

I have hope for all

I am strong willed and kind hearted

in 90 days

-256-

I am a pretzel

Dripping hot oil

Teach or direct

Define or model

The tone that brashly echoes

Like the deep rumble of thunder

in 90 days

-257-

Military ropes

Bare trust

in one another

to be that

Support

and

Balance

in 90 days

-258-

Sometimes

I get a bit turngiddy

The quop of my heart

Thump thump thump

Only rhythm

Thump thump thump

Engaging in each step

Thump thump thump

The sky is my eyehurl

a window

To the world

Thump thump thump

The snickering and snirtling

Heard below

Thump thump thump

Croodling

_________

Thump thump thump

I let go

and

FLY

in 90 days

-259-

1.4.21

How to begin

Where should I start

Retrojecting

Trying to gain an understanding

More than those other many starts

The around me

Surrounds me

As I indite

The words from my lips

The breath from my heart

Aimlwssly turning about

Would I be heard

If I were to shout

Words are much louder

Than any voice could be

Words are definitive

In their own mystery

The mystery…

The words…

The heart

in 90 days

-260-

1.26.21

Writing deepened on the card

To prevent

Protect

Consider

Understand

Where? How?

Please

Who’s running Texas these days?

I was too vulnerable

And protective of myself

at that point

To let you take

From the peace I was having

I wish to discontinue

Services

in 90 days

-261-

I heard Dorothy

out of

Dwayne Wayne Frizell

and

with a click of the hip

and a twirl from his shoes

I was home

Right in between

Alabama and the ‘gay riviera’

I was home

in Pace.

in 90 days

-262-

In a tick

Bathed in a bed of defeat

Zymerg4

Cloy___

Chitty

Assymptha

in 90 days

-263-

Inspiration for me…

At least the freeze and reconnect

Is providing additional time to reflect

Inspiration

For me

Is perseverating

On something that has become close

To my heart

Whether it is creating

An artistic piece

Or simply having

Such a desire to hear the world of others

I keep hitting the reconnect button

Carry on

Perspective of me

To give gift of

Ins? The force

in 90 days

-264-

Post Office

Merry Christmas

to you

Ernest

You were there

Just awaiting

For what was missing

To appear

Holiday

Cheer!

in 90 days

-265-

It is eye opening

To have your past

Reveal itself

In reverse

…..interrupted

Let me tell you about this computer program

Guess he needed the validation more.

Go ahead dear

Get it out

I whisper.

in 90 days

-265-

It is eye opening

To have your past

Reveal itself

In reverse

…..interrupted

Let me tell you about this computer program

Guess he needed the validation more.

Go ahead dear

Get it out

I whisper.