Deceiving

Residential

Treatment

-141-

Fight the temptation to backslide.

I am working on myself.

A rung at a time

I climb this ladder

Swirling Candy Land

Importance being merely progress

How can I deny this

In my child’s eyes

She hands me a picture

And draws attention to

“Mommy, I drew you with a happy smile.”

Me: “What made it important to point that out?

“Cause I drew you with no tears.”

And cue the stab felt inside

My commitment is to more than a man

It is to a family

That was the reason

For this part of our union

What does she experience

Think of her day to day

That’s when the difference is notable

Significant

Evident

Obvious

Humbling

Convicting.

Tone in the home.

What does she hear?

Animosity?

Fear?

Anger

Confusion

Implanted, memorized patternized, emulated

Its more than a me problem

Or a you problem

Or a him or her problem

Not even an it or because problem

It is simply

In its stripped of elegance

Or propriating

A fucking

Problem.

Stay here for a time

seclusion

lack of security

the procedural march moves on

my loyalty and commitment stand firm

that is what is not clearly understood

maybe its because I owe that to her

I was not thinking clearly

I was jaded

Snowed

Inattentive

Unfocused.

The deceit that brought her into existence,

Will not be her handicap

Disability

Burden

I will not return to the life she was not given

Overwhelmed

Lack of time

Struggle to make ends meet

Because I was foolish to believe.

This marriage is more than a love

Between a man and a wife

My anger voices in

With it’s two cents worth

And says you owe that to her

And to me

Owes his devout commitment

Owes his guidance

Owes his best effort

Owes her a mother

Not a return to that life

I would have never

Quit

My

Job.

I trusted.

Your lies.

When I learned of his lies

And then learned of his lies

And then learned of his lies

What was I to do?

My career already involved

Already shunned

Moreso due to us

Bullied

Had we not been married

At the time of the big reveal

At the time of the big reveal

At the time of the big reveal

There is no doubt

I would have never married him

Regardless

of the amount of love for him,

that cannot be overlooked

I completely adored this man

That broke the seduction laws

19th century New York

Is it a possibility to carry on

Business only in this relationship façade

Surface level

Unsure of the other’s life doings

Week that feels a bit one-sided

Oh wait-we have been living that life

Haven’t we

I turned to him to hold me up

When I could not stand

I asked for help

I begged for his clear thinking

As he declared his perfection

in a foggy mirror

Reinforcing Ian’s abandonment

as well as everyone’s trauma issues.

I was not able to secure outside therapy,

I was told I was on a waiting list

Pushing back treatment until after the holidays.

Lying Deceiver.

There was never a list.

Well lets just call this my residential treatment.